Too Late To Say Goodbye...

Everyone always has that one best friend that you can't forget. They were always there for you. It's funny how they are all you think about after something tragic happened. You think of them one second and then you start bursting into tears and remembering all the memories. His name was Ryder. He was my best friend. We were suppose to be best friends forever and always. He was about ten when his family discovered that he had brain cancer or brain tumor I forgot, it's just to painful to think about it. As a family they did everything they can to help find a way to cure their son. They did a lot of things to help him. Eventually it went away, or so they thought they did. He got it back when he was fifteen. I met Ryder when I was thirteen. We hung out a lot even though he was home school and I just went to school. I didn't really like school cause it took time away from us being with each other. We were ALWAYS together. It was like two peas in a pod. You know that saying? Well I don't know how we became best friends but I don't regret it once. However I do regret what happened that one night. But you will figure that out later in the story. Years passed and we became really close. He was my best friend. I knew he had feelings for me, but I didn't see him that way. He was just a friend. Before I started to get to know him better, he always used to hurt himself. He'd cut himself, do drugs, do stupid things like jumping of the roof with his skateboard, which eventually he broke his leg. But when he met me, it's like it all suddenly stopped. He told me I was like his angel coming to guide him the right way. After two long years of friendship, the brain tumor took over again. He wasn't really at home much and we weren't able to be each other as much. I would visit him sometimes the days he was in the hospital bringing him balloons and a teddy bear. He was better to go home and we came close again with me taking care of him making sure he's alright before I leave his side.

One day we were in his room just talking about things in our life wondering will we still be friends when we get older. He said something to me, I forgot what it was, but it got me really pissed. I told him he could go to hell. To my one best friend. I told him so much things. The worst one was that I said I didn't want to see him anymore and he could die and I wouldn't care. Truth is I was just hurt. The last words I told him was I hated him. As soon as I said that I left and slammed the door and ran to my house crying. Days went by without us talking. It hurt deep inside. I wanted to go to his house and apologize but I just wasn't ready I needed time alone.
Then that one called changed my whole day. It was Ryder's sister that called me.

"Hello Kelly?"
"Yea who's this?"
"This is Janelle, Ryder's sister"
"Oh yea what's up?"
"Uhmm, I don't know how this would get to you, but Ryder passed away last night in the hospital. The brain tumor, it was just to much."
"Haha sure yea ok sure it did."
"What are you talking about I'm telling the truth?" I heard her starting to cry and I knew that she wasn't lying.
"No, NO! Please tell me your lying. Please tell me this can't happen to me! Please!" I started yelling in the phone. All of a sudden I threw the phone and fell on the floor crying my eyes out. I started to choke on my tears. I started to regret everything I told him that night. How can I say that to him? He was my best friend and I told him all those things. I just wanted to die right there. Worst thing was, I never got to say I'm sorry for what I said. All that guilt on me. I didn't even get to say goodbye. I started to throw all my things around getting mad at myself for being so stupid. A best friend doesn't do that. Days went by and it seemed forever without him. As you think yes I did cry every day. I cried my self to sleep and I woke up ok, but then started to cry again. It was good it was Winter Break cause I did not want to do anything or go anywhere at all. I just stayed up locked in my room for a whole week. My parents tried to help me but I just didn't want to do anything with them. I wanted my best friend next to me, not them. I just wanted to know if Ryder was ok. Did he die in a painful way or what? I went to his house and tried to comfort his family, but instead I cried with them. I don't know what but something inside told me to go to his room. I went in there and started to touch all his things. What made me break down was seeing the picture we took together. I went and laid on his bed and started crying again. All of a sudden I felt something lay down next to me and it felt like they were hugging me. Then I heard a whisper,
"I love you Kelly, don't cry"
That made me stop crying for a while. I sat up and looked to where the spot was where it felt they laid down. It was warm. I knew he was with me. Then I heard him say again "Goodbye Kelly, take care I will always love you and watch for you" I started crying again
"No Ryder please don't leave me here come back!" but the spot wasn't warm no more it felt empty. I'm like glad he came to visit me, but what hurts the most, was not being able to say I'm sorry. I don't know if I'll be able to forgive myself for that or if he even forgave me. But I am truly sorry. I still cry at times thinking of him thinking if that never happened would he still be here? The fact that I told him he could die was maybe the fact he gave up the fight. I never wanted that to happen. But I can't change the time it's to late. I'll always remember him <|3 I'm just waiting for my time that way I can go visit him. I used to think about suicide, but I knew if I did it, he'd be upset with me. But until my time comes, I won't ever forget my best friend. Thanks for reading my story.
It's been a year since you passed away but I won't ever forget you and I still cry for you. Hope your doing better up there Ryder and I will see you soon :'(
R.I.P Ryder